I puked a lego.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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