Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
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