my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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