a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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