Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
