some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
