why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize