theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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