Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I am available for nakedness
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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