Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
