i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
