Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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