the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
