If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
