I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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