Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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