Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
May the power of my ass compel you!!
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
