it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
