I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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