i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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