do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize