half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
