I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
