my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
