I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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