Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
