Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
