i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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