Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize