He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
