Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
