Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I just forgot I was standing up.
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