Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
