I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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