it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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