So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
