If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
