I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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