my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
