Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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