The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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