Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
