theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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