I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
