We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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