I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
