There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
