Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
