We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
