I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
