I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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