I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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