my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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