just tell him i said nine months
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
