guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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