Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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