Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
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