so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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