My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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